Relief

Today the shot did it all! No sickness,tiredness or crankiness! I went out with my friends and they were none the wiser!!!! Loving that I could still look good and not have anyone question me!!!
The mood was good, great call from Hong Kong and we chatted about our ski vacation this year! It did not even cross my mind that I needed to talk to him about me and what was going on! What a relief!!!!
I must say that my back and side are a bit sore.....burn from radiation spot treatments???
Other than that all is well...feeling good and relieved!!! Will see what comes next!
I wonder if anyone else is reading this!
ciao

Rattled

Had the treatment, drove home and became very sick. Apparently the treatment is in an area that can stimulate something that can make you ill.....yahoo! I feel like I did when I had chemo. It is not making me happy. I had not counted on this at all! I wanted to get through the radiation and then worry about this later. The Doc has said I will get gravol shots before each radiation treatment from now on....crap! Here I sit wondering if and when I am going to tell the husband. He is in Hong Kong and this needs to be a face to face thing. He will be back in a week. I wonder what his reaction will be? Kids are great! I think they have a sense that something is going on. They seem kinder, gentler souls today...maybe it is just me looking at them in a different way! So it is off to bed with some anti nausea drugs.
ciao

Tension

No sleep last night. Iwas a bit stressed. Stupidly I went on the internet to read up on this cancer and the odds of survival after having it sooo many times. Stats are not good. Not that I am a stats person. I believe everyone follows there own destiny and is not driven by what others have done. It was a bit of doom and gloom and that caused a bit of anxiety!!!
Today is different. I am still concious of the fact that I am going to beat this cancer again and go on for another day. The Docs have been really positive the last couple of days and that has been a wonderful change. I am thinking that it is time to talk to my other half and tell him what is going on again. It is very easy to hide this from him because he travels roughly 40 weeks of the year with his job. He is stressed to the max with his job and if this is something i can deal with I will. Don't get me wrong I am sure he would be by my side for the treatments if I asked but I am not so sure want him there right now!! Bad wife...who knows! There are worse things I have done.
So fingers crossed as I head off for another treatment..... Wish me luck and a lifted spirit!
ciao

Breathing

I am ok, No physical change after one treatment but now it is a mental state! I am positive and I will survive! The nurses were fantastic, the doctors...not so much and the volunteers were terrific. I left the hospital, drove home, cooked dinner and went to bed...life is normal on the outside. I will have to be on the move to get back to the hospital today. I am having 16 crash, very quick treatments and then reassessed right after that. Got to run, kids are calling and I feel good...it is all going to be good!!

A deep breathe

It comes down to here we go again!
I surpassed the three strikes and you are out limit....now I am on number 4! It is the 4rth strike on my body! I am not that old...44 years old and have alot of fight left in me!
This time I am going to fight it privately....no friends and family until I really need them. I suffocate from the neediness of others. I want to make my own decisions, don't want grief of people questioning my choice of treatments! Last time it was a horrible experience! I chose an alternative....ugh...the pain that came with the decision! I sold my villa in Italy, my farm in England and depleted my bank account. I think I am still about $25,000 in debt with no one in my family willing to help out! Lets say the choice I made in treatment was unconventional but it WORKED!!! I have been cancer free for 3 years! Yes it is back but I believe it was coming back anyhow. This time with less vengeance, smaller space and has given me a chance to really fight it! With lack of funds I am going to fight it the traditional way....radiation then chemo to follow possible. I hate that part! I can already feel the beaten up feeling you get after treatment BUT I know this is the best route this time. I will make it through, I will gather the strength from my children. A little smile and giggle feeds the soul! The soul is what you use to conquer this horrible disease!!! What do you suppose allows Me to survive each time I get hit with cancer? Luck, friends, soul,strength,medicine or perhaps a combination of all together. this time I am starting of with out one as I mentioned at the beginning...friends and family...I don't want to be smothered!!! Grimace groan and disagree but remember it is each persons decision on how they are going to deal with the rotten disease....
So follow along and see how I do.....send me a giggle, a laugh but NO PITY please!!!
It is off to treatment this afternoon!!
Ciao